Accidentally Vegetarian

- The Tomato, controversially not a vegetable -

If for some reason the powers that be actually did dish out money every time someone asked me why I'm a vegetarian I would be approximately seven hundred and eighty three pounds better off. Oftentimes those who pose the question already know the answer, they just enjoy seeing me squirm. This is because there is no outright reason for my vegetarianism. I don't adore animals, in fact I really don't like chickens; they're noisy, incredibly thick and enjoy excreting goo all over my back street. Its not a political protest nor a cry for attention.

I generally apportion most of the blame to my mother, who, faced with a fussy child, decided to give him what he wanted. Thus my childhood diet consisted primarily of potato waffles, fish fingers, cream crackers, bread and butter and potatoes. The subsequent huge carbohydrate intake meant I didn't have the stereotypically skinny look of a veggie.

FISH?!? I hear you cry. Yes. I'm not even a proper vegetarian. Technically, after twelve years of being one, I discovered I was a pescetarian. So right up there with the question about me being a vegetarian is quickly followed by the sentence "You eat fish! Fish is a meat! Do you eat chicken?" As if chicken is some kind of fake meat.

In my culchie environment where the 'big juicy steak' is hailed as God and gravy is king, being a veggie has often led to me being the outcast of the group. '"WHAT! YOU DON'T EAT GRAVY!!!". I don't feel welcome in establishments such as KFC and face relentless ridicule when I have to pluck up my courage and ask for the dreaded 'vegetarian option'.

As I say, I am something of a reluctant vegetarian yet I also see the past seventeen years as something of an achievement. There has been temptation aplenty and I live in fear of the day that I am offered a burger while 'under the influence'.

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, it's because I hate vegetables!"

- Woody Allen